A Real Hoohoohoodunit - By Dave

On December 9, 2001 Michael Peterson called 911, having found his wife, Kathleen, bloodied and dead at the bottom of the stairs.

 The autopsy reported that Kathleen suffered multiple severe injuries; and that these injuries were consistent with blows with a blunt object; such as a the fire poker that the police had put forward as the weapon.

Despite the defense’ expert’s forensic testimony that the blood-spatter evidence was consistent with an accidental fall down the stairs, and that cuts to her scalp were, indeed, not consistent with any blows, since there were no related injuries like bruising, skull fractures, swelling, or brain hemorrhaging; police pointed the finger at Michael, the only other person home at the time. 

He was charged with murder, citing her possible anger at discovering his affair with a man, a potential divorce, a substantial inheritance, and a 1.5 million dollar insurance payout. The trial lasted five months, after which Michael was convicted and sentenced to life in prison.

Now, enter Kathleen’s and Michael’s neighbour, Larry. Larry, a lawyer, followed the trial with the interest of Mrs. Kravitz, scouring the evidence for anything that may have been missed or discarded as irrelevant. He found something unusual; a feather. The microscopic kind of feather that grow on the legs and feet of owls, in a clump of Kathleen’s bloodied hair that was in her hand when she died.

 

An hypothesis formed in his mind. One where Kathleen was outside, doing whatever, when a territorial owl silently swooped in, clobbering her on the noggin, causing deep lacerations in her scalp with its talons, and fracturing the superior cornu of her left thyroid cartilage (whatever that is). A wad of skin and hair came out in her hand as she clutched her wounded head. Scrambling inside, she fell at the foot of the stairs, where she bled out, unconscious.

 

Larry presented his hypothesis to the police who quickly dismissed what they thought was a laughable idea. Someone connected to the police told the local newspapers about Larry and his murderous owl idea, and they openly mocked him in their rags.

 

Larry didn’t let this get him down; instead, he insisted a reexamination of evidence be conducted, resulting in the discovery of three microscopic owl feathers. Other evidence uncovered were cedar needles on Kathleen’s body and hands, strongly suggesting that she fell while outside, and her bloody footprints leading the the stairs showing that she was bleeding before she arrived at the staircase.

 

With some research, Larry learned that owl attacks are quite common during their horny season, which is when Kathleen’s death occurred. He also found that 90% of attacks are aimed at the right rear area of the skull. Right where Kathleen’s wounds were located. The size and shape of the cuts also align with what an attack by an owl would produce. He also found that in other owl attacks those same type of microscopic feathers are left behind.

 

Unfortunately, despite Larry’s efforts, and found evidence, Michael’s lawyers aren’t interested in using this defense. So there he sits, in prison, perhaps framed by an owl for a murder he didn’t commit. It leaves one to wonder, did that owl pay off the authorities, and Michael’s lawyers? And, if so, with what?

How to Save Money by Doing It Yourself - by Dave

 This is a project that needs some pre-planning, but once set up it can be repeated for years to come.

What You’ll Need:

Scopolamine

Hyoscyamine

Atropine

Tetrodotoxin

Dried Bone

Charcoal

2.5’ x 6’ by 2.5’ wooden box

3’ x 6’ x 4’ hole

Enough dirt to fill the hole

While it may seem like a daunting task to find all these ingredients, the first four are readily available through just two sources.

Scopolamine, Hyoscyamine, and Atropine can be grown in your backyard garden by planting Datura spp. and collecting the seeds once ripe. Datura is a lovely, easy to grow plant for the garden. If properly managed, extra seeds can be saved for future planting.

Depending on the species, Datura can grow from 1’ to 5’ tall, and have white, yellow, or purple trumpet-shaped flowers. When preparing to plant, it’s beneficial to soak the seeds in warm water for 24 hours before starting them indoors under a bright light, for 6 to 8 weeks before the last frost.

Once Datura is established, plant in a full sun location. It prefers well drained soil, rich in organic matter. Make sure to water regularly, particularly during dry weather. Use a slow release fertilizer, and pinch the growing tips to promote a bushier plant.

Allow the flowers to wither on the plant; the spiky seed pods are ready to pick when they are dry and brown. Open the pods to collect the seeds, and store in a cool, dry place.

Next is the newt, for the Tetrodotoxin. If you live near newt habitat, you can add a wildlife pond to your garden and wait for them to move in. If time is of the essence, you can instead trundle down to your local newt pond in the spring.

D. Veljacic - Rough-skinned Newt

Our native newt is the Rough Skinned Newt, or Taricha granulosa. They are a relatively large  salamander with rough, dark orange/brown dorsal skin paired with a bright orange belly.

Rough Skinned Newts spend most of their time under cover objects, such as rotting logs, in the forest. During early spring, the male’s skin becomes smooth and they travel to still, permanent water bodies full of  aquatic plants. Females will lay their eggs, one at a time, on the stems of aquatic plants and submerged twigs near the surface of the water.

Once you’ve collected your newts, gently annoy them so they will excrete their juices. You’ll know you’ve succeeded when the newt arches its’ back, lifting its’ head and tail backwards off the ground, and straightens its’ legs outwards. This is their defensive posture, known as the unken reflex.

Make sure to wear nitrile gloves to protect the newts from any irritants on your skin, and collect the creamy secretions with a glass eye dropper or pipette. Store the secretions in a cool, dry place until your Datura seeds are ripe and you’re ready to make the magic happen.

Grind the Datura seeds, bone, and charcoal into a fine powder, then thoroughly mix with the Tetrodotoxin. It’ll require some experimentation. It’s better to start with a very small amount, adding more as necessary.

If you haven’t chosen your subject, now’s the time.

Make a nice meal, adding your mixture to your subjects’ portion. Before long, you’ll notice their heart rate and breathing will drop to almost undetectable levels, and they’ll appear to be very dead. They will continue to be aware of what’s going on when under the affects of the tetrodotoxin, but the Dakura seeds will have them on a very, very wild drug trip.

Gently place your subject in the coffin, and hold a burial ceremony. Bury the coffin in the hole to really drive it home, and shortly after remember to dig it back up, removing your subject from the coffin.

Now, you have your very own zombie to do your bidding!

Don’t lose hope if it fails the first time, or few times. Remember, mistakes happen! That’s how we learn. The worst outcome is you just have to obtain a new coffin, and dig another hole.

This article is for entertainment purposes only. Both Datura and Rough Skinned Newts are hazardous to consume in any amount. Also, harassing wildlife is both illegal and unethical. Do not handle Rough Skinned Newts if you have open wounds, and be sure to wash your hands thoroughly if you do have to handle one.